COPY LETTER TO:
The Honorable Secretary of State for Agriculture,
Ministry of Agriculture,
Westminster.

Dear Sir,

My friend, in farming at the moment, received a check for £3,000 from the
government for not raising pigs. So, I want to go into the "not raising pigs"
business next year.

What I want to know is, in your opinion, what is the best kind of farm not to
raise pigs on, and what is the best breed of pigs not to raise?  I want to be
sure that I approach this endeavor in keeping with all government policies as
dictated by the EUropean Union under the CAP.  I would prefer not to raise
bacon pigs, but if that is not a good breed not to raise, then I will just as
gladly not raise Yorkshires or Gloucester Spots.

As I see it, the hardest part of this program will be in keeping an accurate
inventory of how many pigs I haven't raised.
 
My friend is very joyful about the future of the business. He has been
raising pigs for twenty years or so, and the best he ever made on them was
£1422 in 1968, until this year when he got your check for £3000 for not
raising pigs.

If I get £3000 for not raising 50 pigs, will I get £6000 for not raising 100
pigs?  I plan to operate on a small scale at first, holding myself down to
about 4000 pigs not raised, which will mean about £240,000 the first year. 
Then I can afford an airplane.
 
Now another thing, these pigs I will not raise will not eat 100,000 bushels
of corn.  I understand that you also pay farmers for not raising corn and
wheat.  Will I qualify for payments for not raising wheat and corn not to
feed the 4000 pigs I am not going to raise?

Also, I am considering the "not milking cows" business, so send me
any information you have on that too. Also please can I have the government
propaganda on set aside, what is the maximum amount of land one can set aside
and can this be done on an 'e commerce' basis on virtual reality land?

In view of these circumstances, you understand that I will be totally
unemployed, and plan to file for unemployment and full benefits.
 
Be assured I will consider you having my vote in the next election.
 
Patriotically Yours,
 
Greg Lance - Watkins

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